rasa kosong sekosong kosongnyaaa

penatnyaa nak simpan all the unspoken feeling sorang2
penatnyaa nak handle everything sorang2

penatnyaa nak figure out how's to live my life
day by day

dah penat

dah penat nak jaga hati sendiri
dah penat nak yakinkan diri sendiri supaya tabah
dah penat dengan diri sendiri

come to office only to hear bad news
one of my students passed away
among all 275 of them,
i only remembered and recognized few names
and he was one of them

what is the odd of that?

Al-Fatihah for him

---

people around me moves on
why am I still here?

it has been 200 days since he's gone
but why the pain doesn't subside
why I still can't turn myself to his side at night?
why I still don't dare to read all his letter
why I still long for him?

Dear God,
what have I done to deserve this?

B asked me on the way back home last night
what have I learnt from my experiences so far?

and i totally don't have any answer to that

driving back home, it got me thinking
in fact it got me thinking all night
making me feeling very melancholic
how hard life could be?
losing him
then losing Alin and H
one after another

what life is trying to tell me?
what have i learnt?

He has taught me how to love
taught me to love myself even more
taught me that I am capable to do anything that I want
and he showered me with love and support all the way

and she taught me kindness
when I was full with anger with people surround me
she taught me to wish these people all the best
hanya doakan yang terbaik, Dyg -that's what she keep telling me
and she taught me
to keep praying and asking
only the best from the God

and he taught me not to give myself too much
because in the end, when it is all gone
I will be devastated
and broken
and he taught me the real meaning of friendship
because he's there with me when nobody does

and when they're gone
I feel lost and hopeless
and i feel like God is punishing me
putting me at a place where nobody would want to go
and it still feels that way

people keep telling me that
God will never give me something that I can't carry
but there are times that I give up hope
and I have to force myself to believe that there will be something good come out from all this
although I dont know if I truly believe it

i am still angered at what have happened in my life
but i am not be able to change any of that
but i am still here, surviving and embracing each day
trying to live

so what have i learnt?
i have learn that loneliness is a painful feeling
and it is the scariest thing there is

Al-Fatihah to all of them
only God knows how much I miss them :(

@KLIA awaiting for my flight to JB
i am tired
went to student dinner last night
its a boring event
but after it ended
i having a blast at the karaoke session afterward

i think i might be overdo it
going with those yg lambat nak warm up
nasiblaaa
it's been a while since I am having fun with fellow friends

will be going to S'pore tomorrow to test some sample
then will have 2 days courses in UTM afterward
right after course, will be rushing back to Kuantan for my final exam
(that reminds me to upload the answer scheme for Test 2 on the web)

i will only have 5 days to finish marking and keying in marks
then I need to go to the INTAN thingy for a week
gilaaaa
tahap nak mati punya schedule nih

life's been good so far
there are times that I feel overwhelmed with emotions
but I guess I am much in control
been reading a lot of Mitch Albom's book
and I re-read five people you meet in heaven again
but with different insight
and feeling

and maybe that's what people are calling healing process
it's been more than 6 months now
the pain does subside slightly

i need to remind myself
that eventually everything gonna be okay

---

update:

updating from my hotel room in Pulai Spring
although i love every bit of it
feeling melancholic at the same time
view this gorgeous should be shared
not for my eyes alone

really wish he was here
with me
with all my journey

a friend told me
if you love someone, you will let him/her explore his/her full potential
and it is what he's been doing all along
he was there for me
watching me and pushing me
helping me getting whatever i want in my life
and sometimes i feel guilty for whatever happened
for my selfishness

every seconds of the day
i want him back
even though I know it is not possible

but I want him back

there are so many thing that I want to tell him
about me
about my life
about us
about what supposed to happened to us

and I miss him

:(

darling
please forgive me
saya sentiasa doakan ketenangan awak di sana
dan saya sentiasa sayangkan awak
inilah takdir tuhan yang harus saya terima

stressful
tetiba arinih dapat surat dari KPT soh pergi BTN-like course
dekat sg petani plak tuh
gila hapaaaa

itulaaa benda paling aku tak suka
dengar ceramah
and buat flying fox
masuk2 hutan

aaaa takde makna okaay

mmg bodoh laaa sapa yang volunteer nama aku tuh
bagi laa nama orang yg nak pergi tempat2 gitu
kenapa akuuuu
benci laaa

dahlaa tuh
kena layan plak kebodohan orang lain
sebab dia bodoh, aku plak kena bow down kat dia
padahal salah dia
and kerja dia

but somehow aku plak kena layan kebangangan dia
dan in the end menyusahkan aku

will be going to JB on Sunday
and then ada final on 12th
pastuh kena settlekan markah2 final plak
sebab kena pegi course tuh
mana sempat nak tanda 150 exam paper in 4 days!!
nak key in markah lagik


stress!

taking a break from marking student test paper
spending some times assisting student regarding their PSM thesis
i would love to hear feedback about me
my current student commented me as "not strict enough"
dang!!
i think they expect someone like from matriks year i guess
still have some keying in marks to do

and i am not complaining
never about work
I love what I do

but I am so stressed out when thinking about this place
about my workplace
about work environment
that makes me hate this job
and add some personal stuff to it
makes living here feels like staying in hell

i think i get what they said about idle minds
i'm trying to get myself busy with all the work stuff
but still, the loneliness is still there
sometimes even when i'm surrounded by people
I can feel it there
the feeling is just painful
especially when I'm trying to sleep
not even half an hour on treadmill is helping me to close my eye
i know it is more psychological than physical
i've tried everything including those sleeping aids
but it just make me drowsy, not sleepy

i just need a new environment
away from all these memory triggering places
fresh start, away from everything
just hope for everything to goes well

just got back from KL on last flight last nite
and now, here I am in forsaken office space
welcoming back my Kuantan-induced depression

hmate is going back to hometown
so i can't tolerate the loneliness

KL was great
meeting Afzan and Alisa for dinner at Al-Diafah
and I must say, it waaassss good!
havent had anything like that for almost few years
i'm tired with all those thai/malay cooking
thinking of them make me gag already

the conference is good too
i planned to go only to first day
then scramble to do some shopping on my own
but who knew
all the technical session is very good
and the keynote speakers
should i say
is very interesting

i feel stupid after attending all those session
but in a good way
as i put it in my fb status
i feel stupid, incompetent and insignificance
really eye opening in a sense that i have to reiterate to myself
that I NEED to be that good!!

it's one of the humbling time too
i put on my brave face and mingling with all these people
from various part of the world
and what can i conclude is
the more smarter these people are, the more humble they become
(why it is not the case with people here in Msia?)
i even have one potential svisor (but he's from Dublin..and i have some reservation about irish thingy)

my only regret is i miss the session with Prof Askari
because i was presenting at the same time!!
there are also some researcher from Iran
doing some research on nanodiamond too
with self-made HFCVD machine
self-made!!!!

and I am using RM1.5million equipment to do my coating
i feel sooo little in comparison

will be going to Singapore and JB next week
can't wait for the semester to be over